inkstains, contest 66: the end

[1stmate]

Trigger/content warnings: mentions of suicide


I think about you every day,
the way you sounded as it happened.
I hate you, some days, for leaving me like that.
I hate you because I still love you, but
I wouldn't love you anymore if you
were still here to be loved.

We were approaching our end
no matter what you did.
The only difference you made was in me,
in how I feel about you, in my ability to
move on after you. You cemented me to you
in the same moment that you detached yourself
from me, from us, from the world.
You should have left well enough alone,
left us as exes, both alive and living, because yes--
you could have lived, had you not died.
It was always your choice, and you never did back down
once a decision was made.
I loved you for that; I hate you for that.

I wonder if you meant for this to happen,
if this was your plan all along. If you left me
to make me follow you, again, as I always did,
no matter where you led us. If you made that decision
just to force an argument, knowing exactly how
I would have to make that argument.
I was going to end it, and you were going to protest.
Instead, you ripped us apart before I could speak,
but I can put us back together. One simple action,
and our forever can start again.

Are you waiting for me to pull the trigger?