I've messed around with this a bit before getting this edit (though most of your stuff still applies!) and I thought I should tell you that I could not figure out what bothered me about the glow/know lines, but I rearranged so the know-line ends in yet instead. Now I know what was vaguely irritating! hahaha. I feel pretty strongly about rhyming (it's good! but only if everything is rhyming), but somehow I didn't consciously notice those lines. *headdesk*
I am contemplating completely removing the 'hotter than they have any right to' line. Or maybe I would like something there. Maybe, hmm, 'improbably hot' or, or, something. I don't know! But it's a thought I am thinking. Other thoughts revolve around 'more than we can ever know' (which I guess I also changed since posting hahaha).
Though. The tense change in burned/have any right to is something I, hmm, I don't have a problem with? I think it's one of those tense changes that, it's not a bad thing, it's. It's sort of saying "they didn't have that right then, and they still don't now." I don't think it'd be incorrect to use that. Like, "I poked you in the arm yesterday, even though I'm not supposed to." It implies a continuity. In my head! Am I wrong about this? I'm probably wrong about this. I'm probably starting to think like the people around me! oh no! I speak better than them; I shouldn't let myself get dragged down by their verbal patterns! (and yet, it happens. allllll the time.) Anyway, I mean, this is a thing I'm going to try to remove from the poem, but now I'm curious is Everything I Know Is Wrong and whatnot :P
You are so right about this structure making anything but the tiniest changes immensely difficult. But so much fun! I can't say that enough.
Continued editing for the purposes of submitting to places. Am wondering ... hmm, too many things for a public comment. I CANNOT KEEP TRACK OF MY LIFE, SILVER.
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Date: 2012-09-18 11:38 am (UTC)I am contemplating completely removing the 'hotter than they have any right to' line. Or maybe I would like something there. Maybe, hmm, 'improbably hot' or, or, something. I don't know! But it's a thought I am thinking. Other thoughts revolve around 'more than we can ever know' (which I guess I also changed since posting hahaha).
Though. The tense change in burned/have any right to is something I, hmm, I don't have a problem with? I think it's one of those tense changes that, it's not a bad thing, it's. It's sort of saying "they didn't have that right then, and they still don't now." I don't think it'd be incorrect to use that. Like, "I poked you in the arm yesterday, even though I'm not supposed to." It implies a continuity. In my head! Am I wrong about this? I'm probably wrong about this. I'm probably starting to think like the people around me! oh no! I speak better than them; I shouldn't let myself get dragged down by their verbal patterns! (and yet, it happens. allllll the time.) Anyway, I mean, this is a thing I'm going to try to remove from the poem, but now I'm curious is Everything I Know Is Wrong and whatnot :P
You are so right about this structure making anything but the tiniest changes immensely difficult. But so much fun! I can't say that enough.
Continued editing for the purposes of submitting to places. Am wondering ... hmm, too many things for a public comment. I CANNOT KEEP TRACK OF MY LIFE, SILVER.