hmm. Okay,I am going to get really picky here, so the standard disclaimer at the beginning that these are just suggestions.
Here one day, gone the next: a man I could have called Father in another life.
Except the protagonist (?) can still call him Father. How about something like hmm..could have grown to call Father?
hear you, Father, DaDa. I hear your voice, louder than my newborn ears
I think I would scratch the Father, DaDa, because it is the only time in the poem he is addressed by a title. And I would have used infant instead of newborn..simply because newborns are generally not kept in cribs. ( did warn you I was going to be picky)
You don't pass the living room, trying not to wake me, but she hears you and comes from the bedroom. You collapse face-first on the couch.
This bit confuses me. He does not pass the living room but he collapses on the couch? Perhaps if you just cut the first line and combined the next two?
. Your head is on the table in the crease of an elbow, spare hand toying with my pacifier.
I just thought I would mention that to me this is one of the most powerful lines in the poem. It shows, and this could be just me, that regardless of what is going on, the father does love the child.
One may say, why is Bardi being so picky? Well, the poem is that powerful for one. Or I just get grouchy when in pain, who knows. I am actually going to go for the former.
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dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pauses
Date: 2012-07-15 03:56 pm (UTC)Here one day,
gone the next: a man I could have called Father
in another life.
Except the protagonist (?) can still call him Father. How about something like hmm..could have grown to call Father?
hear you, Father, DaDa. I hear
your voice, louder than my newborn ears
I think I would scratch the Father, DaDa, because it is the only time in the poem he is addressed by a title. And I would have used infant instead of newborn..simply because newborns are generally not kept in cribs. ( did warn you I was going to be picky)
You don't pass the living room,
trying not to wake me, but she hears you and comes
from the bedroom. You collapse face-first on the couch.
This bit confuses me. He does not pass the living room but he collapses on the couch? Perhaps if you just cut the first line and combined the next two?
. Your head is on the table
in the crease of an elbow, spare hand toying with my pacifier.
I just thought I would mention that to me this is one of the most powerful lines in the poem. It shows, and this could be just me, that regardless of what is going on, the father does love the child.
One may say, why is Bardi being so picky? Well, the poem is that powerful for one. Or I just get grouchy when in pain, who knows. I am actually going to go for the former.