[brigits_flame] About-Face Absolution

[1stmate]

About-Face Absolution

I cannot face the time I spent
putting you off, claiming to be
good and normal and the good boy
that my mother never had. You
should have had me, then.
You could have had me, then,
if I'd been able to admit to a little bend
in the sheets. I would call those years wasted
but for the time I spent with you,
being your friend if nothing else.

I cannot face the time we were:
stolen moments in bedrooms and attics
and basements and crawl spaces;
stolen nights in your obscenely large closet.
I can't bear to remember the night you took me
and marked me and called you yours,
for fear that I will blend the now and the then
as thoroughly as you mixed friend and
what-the-hell-ever with the touch of a hand
to the side of my face. You always were about
crossing arbitrary lines and dragging me with you.
I remember thinking at least this one's legal--
but I shouldn't, because I'll want, again.

I cannot face the time I gave you away.
Would you have gone so readily without
my approval of Emily? If I hadn't set us up
to get drunk and share you? I wanted to punch her
for taking what I offered. Next time,
I'll be sure to specify that it's just a loan.
But she's gone now, and I have yet
to come back, in any capacity, to you,
even though you're still my everything.
It's not that I don't want anything if I can't have it
all from you. Your friendship is more
than I really deserve anymore, more than
I can ask you for, more than I could stand
to have rejected, so I'll wait here for you to
come back to me, if you could still want this cowardly boy
who never outgrew his first gay crush on you.

I wonder if you can face the one who gave you away,
forgive the one who hides from the truth and the past
in an effort to hide from longing after you,
love the one who still tries to be mother's good son
despite how much better it felt to be yours.