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1stmateI preface this poem by saying that this week's topic actually made me very angry. It's full of interesting ideas, but there are better ways to say those ideas than by throwing around words like 'crazy' all the time. I realize that many people simply don't think before they speak or type, but maybe this will convince you to check your ableist language first. Let me show you what it's like from the other side. It's better to intentionally not harm someone than to unintentionally do harm, right?
On that note, warnings for frank discussion of mental illness - specifically of depression, psychosis, and suicide - and several derogatory terms used on people with mental illnesses.
Some people go through life wearing many hats,
but my head is bare. Instead, you cover my mouth
with stickers proclaiming Hello, my name is ____.
My name is madman. My name is nutcase.
My name is screwball, maniac, head case,
my name is deranged, demented, unhinged;
my name is worthless to you in light of these titles
that you have applied.
I am the defective walking
though I appear to be a normal person.
You have done this, too: you
tell me that normal has a definition,
that you can point at normal and know.
Because my depression cannot be seen,
because the anxiety is hidden by a careful façade,
because I do not announce to everyone
by the way, I am mentally ill,
you get to feel affronted when you discover
the deception. You get to tell me
that I am crazy and should be locked away.
You get to decide how my life should be.
Did you know that insane is not a clinical term?
I am not, clinically, insane. I cannot be.
Yet you make this determination for me.
You are kind enough to take away from me
the decision of how to describe myself.
Sometimes the depression is all it takes;
sometimes you require more evidence.
I have scars from years of cutting - I am insane.
I have attempted suicide - I am insane.
I have experienced two psychotic breaks,
hallucinated entire rooms of companions and
hallucinated myself in pieces. I am insane.
Thank you for letting me know. Where would I be
without your guiding hand?
I would be with the rest of the fruitcakes,
caught in a world where we are clearly the them.
The us, the normal people, do not want us.
You tell us every day. We hear and understand
every time you call your tv crazy, every time
you say that idea is insane. We are mad as hatters
and unwelcome outside of Wonderland. We are
the lunatics, invisible until you teach yourself how to look.
On that note, warnings for frank discussion of mental illness - specifically of depression, psychosis, and suicide - and several derogatory terms used on people with mental illnesses.
Some people go through life wearing many hats,
but my head is bare. Instead, you cover my mouth
with stickers proclaiming Hello, my name is ____.
My name is madman. My name is nutcase.
My name is screwball, maniac, head case,
my name is deranged, demented, unhinged;
my name is worthless to you in light of these titles
that you have applied.
I am the defective walking
though I appear to be a normal person.
You have done this, too: you
tell me that normal has a definition,
that you can point at normal and know.
Because my depression cannot be seen,
because the anxiety is hidden by a careful façade,
because I do not announce to everyone
by the way, I am mentally ill,
you get to feel affronted when you discover
the deception. You get to tell me
that I am crazy and should be locked away.
You get to decide how my life should be.
Did you know that insane is not a clinical term?
I am not, clinically, insane. I cannot be.
Yet you make this determination for me.
You are kind enough to take away from me
the decision of how to describe myself.
Sometimes the depression is all it takes;
sometimes you require more evidence.
I have scars from years of cutting - I am insane.
I have attempted suicide - I am insane.
I have experienced two psychotic breaks,
hallucinated entire rooms of companions and
hallucinated myself in pieces. I am insane.
Thank you for letting me know. Where would I be
without your guiding hand?
I would be with the rest of the fruitcakes,
caught in a world where we are clearly the them.
The us, the normal people, do not want us.
You tell us every day. We hear and understand
every time you call your tv crazy, every time
you say that idea is insane. We are mad as hatters
and unwelcome outside of Wonderland. We are
the lunatics, invisible until you teach yourself how to look.
no subject
Date: 2012-09-06 08:08 pm (UTC)I am glad you posted this.
The idea of "other" is something that all writers work with in one way or another and "crazy" is the otherness that pushes the most buttons. I did not "go public" until last year when a friend of mine who suffered from depression killed herself. I went on facebook and said that I had suffered from chronic depression for years and the response was almost nothing. I haven't told a lot of people about the hospital though. The thing I hate the most about depression is how debilitating it is. I have a hard time being an advocate for awareness. I am better at not apologizing for how I am, but at the same time I do wish I was able to maintain friendships and such.
My entry, Zoe Mellon is sort of the antithesis of me. She doesn't care that she is different, or at least pretends not too.
no subject
Date: 2012-09-06 10:58 pm (UTC)YES. THIS. SO MUCH THIS. And that's the hardest part to explain sometimes. I recently got in back in touch with a couple people I lost a few years ago in a, a, a bad time, and the hardest thing is saying, "I'm sorry. I just couldn't handle people. I'm sorry I let you go, but I'd like to take you back now if you'll have me."
At any rate, I am glad that you are glad. Thank you for reading! I, uh, am sorry that it resonates with you. ♥ I look forward to reading your entry! (Though I will probably wait until the poll goes up; I prefer to read them all at once for voting purposes.)
no subject
Date: 2012-09-07 02:01 am (UTC)I must say though, the period right after my worst bout was my most creative and productive. I was surprised when I went back through my journal, to discover that.
no subject
Date: 2012-09-07 03:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-15 04:13 pm (UTC)If you ever asked to come back into my life, I would take you back without question. I've also felt the pressure to always be tending to my friendships, but now I actively look for the ones that would always have me no matter what occurs in my life to necessitate distance.
Anyway, I really enjoy the frankness of this poem as well. The starkness between what you experience and desire with what kind of treatment you receive is amazingly conveyed--how carelessly others have made you feel othered and imposed upon. the voice of your poem is far from helpless, it sounds obstructed, actively tearing down those labels daily.
no subject
Date: 2012-09-15 04:28 pm (UTC)Yes, my oldest friends are all still friends only because they accept that we'll have years when we barely talk, but when we both have the time and energy at the same time, it's like we were just talking yesterday. Which is easier to do with some than with others, too. There are people I'd love to have back, but I'm just not brave enough to bring it up myself. I like friends.
.... um, because that's an uncommon way to feel, what? *headdesk*
I am glad for your words about this poem. I try to do exactly that! I don't always, but I try. ♥
no subject
Date: 2012-09-07 12:53 pm (UTC)But I DON'T thank you for the task you've set me on for week #2! *curses you*
no subject
Date: 2012-09-07 03:54 pm (UTC)I understand you completely. You've done that for me before, too, so I am glad to return the favor. ♥ You can keep anything of mine anywhere you like!
no subject
Date: 2012-09-09 12:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-09 12:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-09 11:58 pm (UTC)Also, thank you. I am glad you like. And I am glad you bring me such pretty icons!
no subject
Date: 2012-09-09 10:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-09 11:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-10 09:42 am (UTC)So why on earth 'we' decide that 'they' are all these names. Good lord. I'm as batty as all get out and in lots of ways that I have to control. BUT so do we all. Be assured you are NEVER alone in this world. Because we are all in the same shoe, boat, world, planet... situation. Some are sad, some talk to the wall, some talk to YOU as if you are mad. (Polititicians mostly!) but we all share the same faults, we are all gaga!
This is so very, very, very sad a poem... because it was what I asked me all those 70 years ago. and 60 years ago and 50 years ago. and I am still vaguely engaging with the idea at times even now!
I am SOOOOO sorry... please don't hurt yourself any more. Believe me, it is our OWN minds that torture us, not theirs... that cliched phrase.... sticks and stones etc. etc. I can believe now that once I was as nice as I am now (I HOPE!) but I didn't believe it - it had been 'worded' out of me.
You ARE BEAUTIFUL.... INSIDE AND OUT!!!! and it is a gloriously beautiful poem in such a scintillating way.
no subject
Date: 2012-09-13 08:24 am (UTC)Oh dear me. How could I be? I've read over and over again, and I really can't find anything to EDIT! Perhaps I am stunned by the frankness of the statements. Perhaps I find myself inside the poem as if it is I who is speaking it.
Perhaps I am not divorced enough from the subject to be able to be 'impervious' or 'imperial'.
Certainly I can find no problems with your punctuation (but I would admit I am not the best at that myself!) Your grammar is - what's wrong with it? Nothing that I can see. Not even a typo! The subject matter I have expounded at length upon. (I STILL say it is superb and wonderful and it should and will walk the comp this week!)
Erm, I'm a lousy editor... LOUSY... but a fervent admirer of your writing. (Can I be asked to 'edit' something less perfect next time please?)
Duff Editor Blue. XX
no subject
Date: 2012-09-13 12:10 pm (UTC)Stunned by the frankness was certainly one of my goals in this poem! Good to know it's working, hahaha. A lot of people seem to be finding themselves in it, too, which is nice. I mean, um, oh, you know.
You are a flatterer, that's what you are! *points accusingly* You flatter!
(And for some reason, that one line from La Vie Boheme (from Rent) is stuck in my head. "To being an us for once instead of a them!")
dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pauses
Date: 2012-09-15 04:11 pm (UTC)One thing I would suggest, and this is a pet peeve of mine with no obvious rationale at all. And that is putting the a/n at the end of the poem and not the beginning. When I read a book I never, ever read the preface first ( I know..bardi, why do you think they call them prefaces?) because I want to read without information first. And if you put it after the poem than I can say, yes, of course. Instead of looking in the poem for what you meant.
Not saying that is wrong, just giving my opinion as food for thought. Ever so powerful poem.
no subject
Date: 2012-09-15 04:21 pm (UTC)I don't often include an author's note at all, and usually stick it at the bottom when I do (which might be directly traceable to seeing you comment on that everywhere), but in this case ... well, I'm not going to put warnings anywhere but at the top, and those warnings I think are a little less intimidating if you already know in part where I'm coming from (hence a/n at the top on this one). I should start using spoiler text, though, for the people like you who would prefer reading them later.
But if that's the worst you can come up with on this poem, then I'd have to say that's a good thing! Thanks for taking the time to read & consider!
no subject
Date: 2012-09-15 04:25 pm (UTC)And no..I do watch trailers. Mostly because of the price and money spent on movies, I like to have an idea if I am going to enjoy.